So I did the emotional post...how about this?

I think Alzheimer's is catching. Why, you ask? Well, let me share this one little tidbit with you. This is just in addition to walking into rooms wondering what the hell I am doing there and walking around aimlessly when I'm supposed to be getting dinner started or doing some other daily chore that is a no brainer.

I grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and jumped in the shower like I do everyday (What? I brush my teeth in the shower because it saves a step. Don't judge.). As I was washing my hair, I thought I heard water running. And yes, I understand that if I am standing in the shower, there is obviously water running, but I'm talking about a faucet running sound. I get out of the shower and the bathroom sink faucet is running. Huh? I don't remember turning on the faucet. I think someone crept into the bathroom once I was in the shower and turned it on. Yeah, that's it. That's what happened. It couldn't have been me who turned on the faucet to wet my toothbrush. Psssshaw.

Of course, Alzheimer's may not be catching and this could be just a coincidence since I slept (badly) on the couch and the house was hotter than H E double hockey stick. Having the house so hot makes me cranky...I'm sure this week will be even better since I'm PMSing. I sure hope THAT is not catching. My mother will be in for a real treat. /wink/

Adult Caregiving

So, I've stepped into the realm of being an adult caregiver. This isn't something I was totally unready for, but let's just say, I wasn't fully prepared either. Having had many children probably makes the adult caregiver role a bit easier since it requires many of the same things and strategies.

I've shared about my issues with my mother that go back to when I was a child. I now have full care of my mother most weekdays (she has Alzheimer's) for an undetermined amount of time. It is all consuming. It makes me want to cry many days. Sometimes for just being SO tired and other times just because the roles have reversed between mother and child. It is very hard hearing my mother tell me that she is confused and does not know "where she is". Sometimes I have little patience for hearing the same things over and over again, but then she'll sing along to some old country songs and her happiness makes everything right again.

I think this disease is pretty awful. To watch someone lose their faculties slowly, but steadily is pretty damn awful. While we can prepare ourselves that death is coming, you never know how long you will have to watch before it does. You never know what is in store that day. My sister has told me that I will have aged about 5 years if I have my mother for just one short month. She knows. She did this for my father who had dementia. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with this same disease and for the first time, I understand what my own mother must've went through. It's not fair, but as we all know, life isn't fair. I will say that I've been SO blessed with these amazing friends who text or send messages to make sure I have sanity checks and cheer me on.

I hope that my children are spared such things when it comes to their father and I although their compassion and love for their not often seen grandmother is really touching. They care for her, engage her in their life and give her love that she never knew until now. They have each made sacrifices for her to come and live here as comfortably as possible and not one of them has complained or acted like a nitwit. I'm so thankful for their ability to adapt and accept for their family.

I am mostly thankful for the opportunity to care for my mother. I am thankful that I can be the one to hug her when she is confused and tell her it is ok. Perhaps this will help heal my hurts from long ago, but even if it doesn't, I can say that I did the right thing. Not the easiest thing, but the right thing. I finally stepped up and did what was needed. I grew up.

AF pillaged, stole, abducted, lifted, looted, pinched, pirated, swindled, thieved, withdrew....

........my Christmas joy.

Stupid. That is how I feel. Oh and don't forget incompetent, ineffectual, futile, worthless. Who doesn't love a good thesaurus?

Life is crazy and rude. Sometimes almost hopeless. I question what the hell I am supposed to be doing differently. How can I make things better? Easier? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?

Some days I just want to stand up and shout "F&*^ YOU" to whomever is listening hoping that maybe someone up there gets the drift and leaves me the hell alone already.

Ah, who knew I could vaguebook on my blog too? Good stuff I tell ya. Terrific. Lovely. Special. Wonderful.

Must put my head back to the grindstone and hope that this mood passes quickly.

Oh P90X, Please help me!

I am bored with running/walking. What used to be fun and a great escape has turned into the dreaded. Not exercising is not an option for me. I hate it, but I know it needs to be done. For the last couple of weeks, I've done little to none. NOT healthy. I've had quite a few headaches and while some may be chalked up to sinus issues, some have been most definitely blood pressure related.

So because I am out of shape, I've decided to try P90X. I likely will do the "Lean" version which incorporates more cardio which is heart healthy (and likely to make my blood pressure get back to normal levels.) I "tried" disc one today. Chest & back. Yeah, right. Try kicking the ass out of my arms is more like it. Lots of push ups and pull ups. No, I can't do a pull up...I used resistance bands and still couldn't even do what they wanted me to because I don't have anything to anchor my bands to in the ceiling. At any rate, I'm sure by tomorrow my arms will have fallen off or be in super massive pain. Good thing I'll be doing something "different" then.

So I am hoping my 90 day journey results in a leaner, stronger me. At least that is what I'm shooting for. Oh and a healthy blood pressure....that would be good.

Feeling overwhelmed

Geez. Don't know if the weather is the culprit or what, but I cannot get out of my funk. I am dealing with family stuff that is not only pissing me off, but troubling my heart, the house is a disaster and all I want to do is climb into bed, lock the door and read. I don't want to be Mommy or Wife or anything else I'm supposed to be.

I think reading is like a drug for me. It takes me somewhere that isn't here. Not reality. I'm sure if I spent half the time I do reading on cleaning the house, I might not feel so overwhelmed in that area, but who wants to? Why mop the floors when it pours for days and the dogs and kids and hubby are just going to track mud throughout? Why cook dinner when you'll just have to clean up the mess after? Why get dressed when you will just have extra laundry? Yeah. I need to get a grip and climb the hell out of this hole. That's for sure.

I also need to run. 5k in less than 16 days. Ugh. I ran with the dogs day before yesterday and completed a mile in under 10 mins. That is something, huh? Who would have ever thunk I would be able to do that and not fall down dead? Now if I could just run 3.10 miles like that I'd be golden. I, of course, after running that fast, had to walk for a bit to catch my breath. The dogs were so energetic that morning. Well, until we were about 1/3rd of the way home and then Guinness was getting lazy. In fact, I really need to hop into some running clothes and go out right now while the sky is not dripping with rain. Yesterday I didn't think the rain would ever stop. I know we need the rain, but it would be nice if a month's worth did not fall in 4 days, you know?

I am headed to a GNO tomorrow. I was hoping it would be at a friend's house because then it would be about 2 miles from home, but for some good reasons, it is being held at a restaurant/bar in the town we grew up in. I was hoping to catch a ride and the hub could pick me up later, but it isn't looking promising. Oh well, guess I'll have to nurse a drink and have lots of water. I'm a grown up now, but one who is used to having the hubby drive during these things.

Speaking of relying on the hubby. He got a call from the oncologist yesterday. He had a cancer removed from his back a couple of weeks ago. No biggie. Well, when they did the lab work on the cancer, they found that there is more near where they took out the big chunk. Microscopic? He has to go back and have his back cut open again. I'm a little bit freaked and a lot bit scared even though he reassures me that it isn't a "big deal". But it is a big deal to me. He is my whole world. I put my head down and get through the days because I long for the time it can just be him and I. That's not to say that I don't enjoy my kids and love them very much, but before there were kids, it was just me and my best friend. Him. Always him. Ever since I was 16. Maybe this makes me some weak, stupid woman because he is it for me. Maybe I have been stupid to make my life revolve around his? Ugh. Needless to say, underneath all the other stuff I'm stressing over, there is a part of me that is terrified about losing him because I'm not sure I would be worth anything without him. So stupid.

Well, if I am going to have any chance of keeping myself together today, I better stop here. Pull myself together. Go for a run. And get through today. One day at a time. Right?

Vagueblogging at its best

Have you ever had the feeling that someone was purposefully trying to keep you out, but allowing you to remain on the fringes so that it didn't look like they were trying to get rid of you?

Ah, such is life. My hubby said that things don't bother him because he only gives energy to those people he actually cares about. He told me to focus my energy on the people that I would mourn if they walked out of my life. He's really good about getting above the BS. One of the many things I love about him.

I've been hangin' with a sick number 5 this week. Fever & cough. Just treating the fever and giving benedryl since the cough seems to be a nasal drip type. Perhaps a viral thing with some allergies....If the fever doesn't break today, I may take him in to the doc tomorrow so that they can take a quick listen to his lungs. I hate trying to get an appt. on the weekends and I never know who is on call.

Also waiting on a call from my sister. About my mom. Doesn't sound good. I am stressing over it and hoping that it is something that can be taken care of with little help because my brother is already dealing with a mother in law with stage 4 breast cancer that has metastasized into her spine...I cannot imagine what my sister in law is going through and my heart breaks for her.

My mother has Alzheimer's. Her Alzheimer's was brought on, in my opinion, by a GP who put her on two types of antidepressants at once (one being Prozac). She went into a stupor and never recovered. Do I think she would have had Alzheimer's anyway? Yep. My grandmother did too. I would venture to guess that it is in my future too. Anyway, her meds don't seem to be working as well anymore and for a good while, my stepfather had convinced her that they were "too expensive" so she stopped getting them. And this was while he was busy writing checks to his daughter and son in law for thousands of dollars. But no, the $200/month pills were just TOO expensive. Asshole. Yet, there she is trying to take care of him. She can't even take care of herself anymore and I am guessing that they are at the end of living on their own. I am angry that my mother has allowed her life to be swallowed up by a man who has taken every good minute of her life and turned it into serving him AND I am angry at my mother for allowing it.

I have never been close to my mom. She left my father when I was 5. They were divorced by the time I was 6. I woke up one morning and she was gone. No explanations. Nothing. Do I think she should have left my father? Absolutely. Do I think she did it in a totally selfish way? Yep. Maybe I haven't forgiven her after all these years. I will say that having children, I cannot even imagine EVER leaving them. You would have to pry my cold dead hands off the door frame before I would leave them like she left me. Perhaps my forgiveness will never go to the depths it has to for healing. I do not know.

So now I wait. The bad daughter. The one who is so caught up in her own life that her mother is on the peripheral. I own it. I just don't know how to change it and I think really that I must not want to since I haven't. Maybe I just need to own that ugly bit too. Hah...I can see the irony of where this blog started and where it has ended.

Karma certainly is a bitch, isn't it?

"Give sorrow words. The grief that does not speak whispers the o'er-fraught heart, and bids it break.” William Shakespeare

Truer words were never spoken as I've realized over the last couple of days.

I am, by nature, a private person. I do not like to share any of my unhappy parts with others. I do not know why this is, but it is indeed the way I am. Perhaps it has something to do with the terror of being disliked or ridiculed that I've carried for so many years. I wonder if maybe even most of us have this sense although in various degrees.

I decided to step out on a limb yesterday after reading the quote on a FB friend's wall. It was scary. Scarier than riding up the side of Mt. Washington in my truck on a barely 2 car wide road without guard rails. (Just so you know, just the thought of that particular trip while on vacation this year is enough to make me want to vomit - still.) I took a leap of faith and shared some very personal feelings with people I trust the most. I took the wall down and I am happy to say that I am still alive. In fact, once the wall came down and I shared my deepest hurts with them, I felt healing almost immediately. The well of my heart started to fill again.

I am still someone who wants to hurt in private, but the feeling that I shared and these people still love me...dare I say maybe even more...is like a breeze blowing away clouds and for that, I am ever grateful.