I am feeling frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to do something that I shouldn't have. I went down a path that wasn't for my feet and now that I've backtracked, I am hurting. The funny thing is, I don't think I ever realized that I'd end up being hurt. I knew I could hurt others, but I never thought about myself. Funny.
I think this is a vicious cycle. Not worrying about yourself until danger or disaster strikes. I think it is a learned trait. After talking with my mom last night, the similarities are dizzying. I have many of the same qualities as she does in regards to living life. Perhaps I need to seriously rethink some and change how I look at the others. I'm not sure, but what an eye opener.
I guess this is where I get angry. Angry at myself for allowing someone who I thought was my friend to treat me in a way that a real friend wouldn't get treated. Friends watch out for each other and don't do things to hurt them or lead them down paths that are long and windy and lead to a blind cliff for the friend to fall off. And when a friend apologizes for bad behavior, you don't just give them the silent treatment. A response is just common courtesy in my book - which means you don't have to absolve anyone, but you just need to accept what's offered and move on.
Perhaps I need to share these feelings with the person...of course, maybe they just aren't worth it after all. /sigh/
Friday, January 28, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
To cry or to laugh.
I woke up crying this morning. I cried for much of the morning. Big heaving sobs. I know there is more behind the ones that have already come. I know I just need to cleanse and be done with it, but I also don't want to cry alone. I want so much for my hubby to be there to hold me and to just hug me until it's over. Now if I could only tell him that. If I could only open up and be vulnerable.
So I went on to FB and clicked on a link of Funny Autocorrect texts. I laughed so hard. I fought away the tears and laughed instead. It is true that there is a fine line between laughing and crying. I choose laughing today. I choose the "spit your coffee out while leftover snot blows out your nose" laughing. Laughing is way better than crying. Trust me.
So I went on to FB and clicked on a link of Funny Autocorrect texts. I laughed so hard. I fought away the tears and laughed instead. It is true that there is a fine line between laughing and crying. I choose laughing today. I choose the "spit your coffee out while leftover snot blows out your nose" laughing. Laughing is way better than crying. Trust me.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Thursday morning
It's been a long week and it's not over. My mother came to me this week a day early and may leave a day late because of weather. Needless to say, I'm tired.
Sunday was a good day. Mom was at my brother's and I attended my wine club. 5-6 hours and 4-5 bottles of red wine later, hubby drove our sorry butts home. It felt good to connect with these women. They have been such a blessing in my life and have been some of my best cheerleaders the last couple of weeks. How thankful I am that they are in my life.
Monday was a weird day. No school because it was Martin Luther King, Jr. day and I was feeling a bit dizzy most of the day. Had some icy weather coming so my brother and I decided to do the exchange that day. I felt like I didn't have time to really prepare, but such is life.
For those who are wondering, the care for my mom is constant. I help with toileting (and toileting fails), showering, dressing, med dispersion. Last night I had a crash course in trimming toenails that are thick and yellow with age and haven't been cared for in I don't know how long. They looked terribly painful, but with a pan of warm, soapy water and some clippers and a pumice we got through it ok. My mother is also an emotionally needy person. She needs hugs & reassurances all the time. While I am very affectionate with my own children and husband, I do not feel particularly affectionate towards my mom most of the time. That is not to say that I am mean, but I probably seem distant to her. I keep busy with my daily chores of laundry, housekeeping and cooking - all the while mourning my temporary loss of freedom and ability to volunteer at school, shop alone, etc. I fall into bed each evening and pretty much pass out from exhaustion and maybe even a bit of depression.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually - this has been a drain. I couldn't imagine doing it without my children. They have ALL been wonderful. The other night I was just in a sour mood and needed some alone time. The eldest and his girl took care of Mom while I decompressed. And when I say decompress, I mean I sat and literally vegged in front of computer card game for like an hour. The little ones play with her and engage her in conversation. Number 4 even adds her into his rounds of jokes by calling her by her first name (I know - it sounds very disrespectful, but it really isn't - it makes her laugh). I have to say even number 3 who has been in trouble so much lately for not being responsible has stepped up to the plate getting himself up in the mornings, behaving really wonderfully. I'm so impressed with ALL of them. Although, I wonder sometimes if it is the emotional baggage I have that makes it so much harder for me? Something to ponder when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep.
I also experienced anxiety attacks for the first time this weekend and my lovely mouth broke out in another round of cold sores. I guess caring for my mother along with the other daily stresses that I experience has sent me over the edge. I'm still debating whether to seek medical advice. I don't think at this point that I would be able to take any meds. I also don't want to even KNOW what my blood pressure is hovering at. I haven't exercised since before Christmas except for shoveling (which is just an excuse to get my sorry ass out of the house and doing something - thank you very much).
I don't want to sound like I am whining. I probably do and for that I apologize. I have no one to really vent to except my sister and brother and really? My sister took care of my father (he had dementia too) and my brother takes my mother on the weekends. They both know the stresses and didn't/don't complain - at least to me. I just miss my few hours of quiet when number 6 is at school with the rest of them and my ability to come and go as I please. I miss going into school once a week to volunteer in a preschool or first grade classroom. I miss feeling like a wife, because trust me, there isn't any part of me who feels sexy or even remotely attractive these days.
Thankfully, I still get to go to church each week without worry. I still make the snack each week for Thursday's Bible based clubs for the youth at church. I still am able to talk to my bestie and text with whomever is around. I still cook, do laundry (and yes, still one of my quiet places...probably why I have not been behind since Mom moved in) and bake breads, cookies, cakes, etc. I guess what I am saying that I've given up a lot, but I am thankful for the things I still am able to do.
I don't think caring for my mom will get any easier and I know when we square away the legal stuff it will be even harder to leave my mother in a place that isn't one of our homes. I will feel amazing guilt over it, but I will feel relief too, which will in turn make the guilt even heavier. I am hoping perhaps that the guilty feeling will be better than the feelings I am experiencing now.
Sunday was a good day. Mom was at my brother's and I attended my wine club. 5-6 hours and 4-5 bottles of red wine later, hubby drove our sorry butts home. It felt good to connect with these women. They have been such a blessing in my life and have been some of my best cheerleaders the last couple of weeks. How thankful I am that they are in my life.
Monday was a weird day. No school because it was Martin Luther King, Jr. day and I was feeling a bit dizzy most of the day. Had some icy weather coming so my brother and I decided to do the exchange that day. I felt like I didn't have time to really prepare, but such is life.
For those who are wondering, the care for my mom is constant. I help with toileting (and toileting fails), showering, dressing, med dispersion. Last night I had a crash course in trimming toenails that are thick and yellow with age and haven't been cared for in I don't know how long. They looked terribly painful, but with a pan of warm, soapy water and some clippers and a pumice we got through it ok. My mother is also an emotionally needy person. She needs hugs & reassurances all the time. While I am very affectionate with my own children and husband, I do not feel particularly affectionate towards my mom most of the time. That is not to say that I am mean, but I probably seem distant to her. I keep busy with my daily chores of laundry, housekeeping and cooking - all the while mourning my temporary loss of freedom and ability to volunteer at school, shop alone, etc. I fall into bed each evening and pretty much pass out from exhaustion and maybe even a bit of depression.
Emotionally, physically, spiritually - this has been a drain. I couldn't imagine doing it without my children. They have ALL been wonderful. The other night I was just in a sour mood and needed some alone time. The eldest and his girl took care of Mom while I decompressed. And when I say decompress, I mean I sat and literally vegged in front of computer card game for like an hour. The little ones play with her and engage her in conversation. Number 4 even adds her into his rounds of jokes by calling her by her first name (I know - it sounds very disrespectful, but it really isn't - it makes her laugh). I have to say even number 3 who has been in trouble so much lately for not being responsible has stepped up to the plate getting himself up in the mornings, behaving really wonderfully. I'm so impressed with ALL of them. Although, I wonder sometimes if it is the emotional baggage I have that makes it so much harder for me? Something to ponder when I wake up in the middle of the night and can't sleep.
I also experienced anxiety attacks for the first time this weekend and my lovely mouth broke out in another round of cold sores. I guess caring for my mother along with the other daily stresses that I experience has sent me over the edge. I'm still debating whether to seek medical advice. I don't think at this point that I would be able to take any meds. I also don't want to even KNOW what my blood pressure is hovering at. I haven't exercised since before Christmas except for shoveling (which is just an excuse to get my sorry ass out of the house and doing something - thank you very much).
I don't want to sound like I am whining. I probably do and for that I apologize. I have no one to really vent to except my sister and brother and really? My sister took care of my father (he had dementia too) and my brother takes my mother on the weekends. They both know the stresses and didn't/don't complain - at least to me. I just miss my few hours of quiet when number 6 is at school with the rest of them and my ability to come and go as I please. I miss going into school once a week to volunteer in a preschool or first grade classroom. I miss feeling like a wife, because trust me, there isn't any part of me who feels sexy or even remotely attractive these days.
Thankfully, I still get to go to church each week without worry. I still make the snack each week for Thursday's Bible based clubs for the youth at church. I still am able to talk to my bestie and text with whomever is around. I still cook, do laundry (and yes, still one of my quiet places...probably why I have not been behind since Mom moved in) and bake breads, cookies, cakes, etc. I guess what I am saying that I've given up a lot, but I am thankful for the things I still am able to do.
I don't think caring for my mom will get any easier and I know when we square away the legal stuff it will be even harder to leave my mother in a place that isn't one of our homes. I will feel amazing guilt over it, but I will feel relief too, which will in turn make the guilt even heavier. I am hoping perhaps that the guilty feeling will be better than the feelings I am experiencing now.
Friday, January 14, 2011
Oh Shitty Day - please go far, far away.
Today started off pretty good. Enjoyed a hot cup of coffee in a quiet house. Tended the fire to get the house warm for my Mom. Then my sister called.
Today was the day that my sister planned on removing my mother's things from her house. The lawyer (all civilized forms of communications are done through these people, right?) sent word back that my brother would be allowed to pick up my mother's things, no one would be allowed in the house AND my sister was not allowed ON the property per "their lawyer".
Ok, so my sister stayed on the sidewalk while my brother in law (her husband), his Dad and my eldest son removed the things in boxes that my stepfather's family had packed. When asked if there was anything missing, my sister noticed my mother's tea cup holder was not accounted for. My brother in law went back in and they said, "sorry, J. (stepfather) said that is his." When I heard this, my day started on the downhill track.
Now I am so effing angry. I can't seem to shake it. The day progresses and the knot in my tummy grows larger and larger. My sister arrives with my mother's picture of her and her twin brother when they were babies (they won a baby contest with this photo). My mother breaks down and sobs when she sees this photo. It means the world to her as she is the only one left out of her family. Her parents & siblings are all gone. My sister and I hug and during the hug she whispers in my ear that they have stolen all my mother's jewelry. ALL of it. None of these things was worth much, but they were handed down from my great grandmother to my Nana to my mother. They stole them. They stole pictures out of my mother's picture book that my sister made for her. They are money grubbing piece of shits. I wish I could have punched them all in the face. Really.
The granddaughter FORGED checks to the tune of 6-9 thousand dollars (to which the bank is in the process of gathering evidence to go after her) and yet they felt the need to steal from my mother. WHY? She never once treated them badly. She always treated them as family. I find it quite ironic that her own children NEVER, NOT ONCE, asked her for anything, yet these people received money and food every time they couldn't pay a bill or feed their children. I waiver back and forth thinking that my stepfather is a loser of epic proportions and then feel badly that he is left with these people. My boy told me that he smells and my brother in law said that he was greasy and unwashed. No one cares for his needs and yet he clings to his "house" and his "things". As much as I want to feel that we have far more than they will ever know, I am angry. And hurt. And frustrated at my lack of ability to do anything about it. I pine for my own father because he always knew what to do. He always knew the right thing. I don't know anything and again I am reminded that I suck at being the safety net. I'm not ready for this roll yet I know I have no choice.
I keep praying for strength and trying to remember that my faith will see me through, but I've gotta admit. It's not so easy today.
Today was the day that my sister planned on removing my mother's things from her house. The lawyer (all civilized forms of communications are done through these people, right?) sent word back that my brother would be allowed to pick up my mother's things, no one would be allowed in the house AND my sister was not allowed ON the property per "their lawyer".
Ok, so my sister stayed on the sidewalk while my brother in law (her husband), his Dad and my eldest son removed the things in boxes that my stepfather's family had packed. When asked if there was anything missing, my sister noticed my mother's tea cup holder was not accounted for. My brother in law went back in and they said, "sorry, J. (stepfather) said that is his." When I heard this, my day started on the downhill track.
Now I am so effing angry. I can't seem to shake it. The day progresses and the knot in my tummy grows larger and larger. My sister arrives with my mother's picture of her and her twin brother when they were babies (they won a baby contest with this photo). My mother breaks down and sobs when she sees this photo. It means the world to her as she is the only one left out of her family. Her parents & siblings are all gone. My sister and I hug and during the hug she whispers in my ear that they have stolen all my mother's jewelry. ALL of it. None of these things was worth much, but they were handed down from my great grandmother to my Nana to my mother. They stole them. They stole pictures out of my mother's picture book that my sister made for her. They are money grubbing piece of shits. I wish I could have punched them all in the face. Really.
The granddaughter FORGED checks to the tune of 6-9 thousand dollars (to which the bank is in the process of gathering evidence to go after her) and yet they felt the need to steal from my mother. WHY? She never once treated them badly. She always treated them as family. I find it quite ironic that her own children NEVER, NOT ONCE, asked her for anything, yet these people received money and food every time they couldn't pay a bill or feed their children. I waiver back and forth thinking that my stepfather is a loser of epic proportions and then feel badly that he is left with these people. My boy told me that he smells and my brother in law said that he was greasy and unwashed. No one cares for his needs and yet he clings to his "house" and his "things". As much as I want to feel that we have far more than they will ever know, I am angry. And hurt. And frustrated at my lack of ability to do anything about it. I pine for my own father because he always knew what to do. He always knew the right thing. I don't know anything and again I am reminded that I suck at being the safety net. I'm not ready for this roll yet I know I have no choice.
I keep praying for strength and trying to remember that my faith will see me through, but I've gotta admit. It's not so easy today.
Monday, January 10, 2011
So I did the emotional post...how about this?
I think Alzheimer's is catching. Why, you ask? Well, let me share this one little tidbit with you. This is just in addition to walking into rooms wondering what the hell I am doing there and walking around aimlessly when I'm supposed to be getting dinner started or doing some other daily chore that is a no brainer.
I grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and jumped in the shower like I do everyday (What? I brush my teeth in the shower because it saves a step. Don't judge.). As I was washing my hair, I thought I heard water running. And yes, I understand that if I am standing in the shower, there is obviously water running, but I'm talking about a faucet running sound. I get out of the shower and the bathroom sink faucet is running. Huh? I don't remember turning on the faucet. I think someone crept into the bathroom once I was in the shower and turned it on. Yeah, that's it. That's what happened. It couldn't have been me who turned on the faucet to wet my toothbrush. Psssshaw.
Of course, Alzheimer's may not be catching and this could be just a coincidence since I slept (badly) on the couch and the house was hotter than H E double hockey stick. Having the house so hot makes me cranky...I'm sure this week will be even better since I'm PMSing. I sure hope THAT is not catching. My mother will be in for a real treat. /wink/
I grabbed my toothbrush, put toothpaste on it and jumped in the shower like I do everyday (What? I brush my teeth in the shower because it saves a step. Don't judge.). As I was washing my hair, I thought I heard water running. And yes, I understand that if I am standing in the shower, there is obviously water running, but I'm talking about a faucet running sound. I get out of the shower and the bathroom sink faucet is running. Huh? I don't remember turning on the faucet. I think someone crept into the bathroom once I was in the shower and turned it on. Yeah, that's it. That's what happened. It couldn't have been me who turned on the faucet to wet my toothbrush. Psssshaw.
Of course, Alzheimer's may not be catching and this could be just a coincidence since I slept (badly) on the couch and the house was hotter than H E double hockey stick. Having the house so hot makes me cranky...I'm sure this week will be even better since I'm PMSing. I sure hope THAT is not catching. My mother will be in for a real treat. /wink/
Adult Caregiving
So, I've stepped into the realm of being an adult caregiver. This isn't something I was totally unready for, but let's just say, I wasn't fully prepared either. Having had many children probably makes the adult caregiver role a bit easier since it requires many of the same things and strategies.
I've shared about my issues with my mother that go back to when I was a child. I now have full care of my mother most weekdays (she has Alzheimer's) for an undetermined amount of time. It is all consuming. It makes me want to cry many days. Sometimes for just being SO tired and other times just because the roles have reversed between mother and child. It is very hard hearing my mother tell me that she is confused and does not know "where she is". Sometimes I have little patience for hearing the same things over and over again, but then she'll sing along to some old country songs and her happiness makes everything right again.
I think this disease is pretty awful. To watch someone lose their faculties slowly, but steadily is pretty damn awful. While we can prepare ourselves that death is coming, you never know how long you will have to watch before it does. You never know what is in store that day. My sister has told me that I will have aged about 5 years if I have my mother for just one short month. She knows. She did this for my father who had dementia. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with this same disease and for the first time, I understand what my own mother must've went through. It's not fair, but as we all know, life isn't fair. I will say that I've been SO blessed with these amazing friends who text or send messages to make sure I have sanity checks and cheer me on.
I hope that my children are spared such things when it comes to their father and I although their compassion and love for their not often seen grandmother is really touching. They care for her, engage her in their life and give her love that she never knew until now. They have each made sacrifices for her to come and live here as comfortably as possible and not one of them has complained or acted like a nitwit. I'm so thankful for their ability to adapt and accept for their family.
I am mostly thankful for the opportunity to care for my mother. I am thankful that I can be the one to hug her when she is confused and tell her it is ok. Perhaps this will help heal my hurts from long ago, but even if it doesn't, I can say that I did the right thing. Not the easiest thing, but the right thing. I finally stepped up and did what was needed. I grew up.
I've shared about my issues with my mother that go back to when I was a child. I now have full care of my mother most weekdays (she has Alzheimer's) for an undetermined amount of time. It is all consuming. It makes me want to cry many days. Sometimes for just being SO tired and other times just because the roles have reversed between mother and child. It is very hard hearing my mother tell me that she is confused and does not know "where she is". Sometimes I have little patience for hearing the same things over and over again, but then she'll sing along to some old country songs and her happiness makes everything right again.
I think this disease is pretty awful. To watch someone lose their faculties slowly, but steadily is pretty damn awful. While we can prepare ourselves that death is coming, you never know how long you will have to watch before it does. You never know what is in store that day. My sister has told me that I will have aged about 5 years if I have my mother for just one short month. She knows. She did this for my father who had dementia. I watched my grandmother deteriorate with this same disease and for the first time, I understand what my own mother must've went through. It's not fair, but as we all know, life isn't fair. I will say that I've been SO blessed with these amazing friends who text or send messages to make sure I have sanity checks and cheer me on.
I hope that my children are spared such things when it comes to their father and I although their compassion and love for their not often seen grandmother is really touching. They care for her, engage her in their life and give her love that she never knew until now. They have each made sacrifices for her to come and live here as comfortably as possible and not one of them has complained or acted like a nitwit. I'm so thankful for their ability to adapt and accept for their family.
I am mostly thankful for the opportunity to care for my mother. I am thankful that I can be the one to hug her when she is confused and tell her it is ok. Perhaps this will help heal my hurts from long ago, but even if it doesn't, I can say that I did the right thing. Not the easiest thing, but the right thing. I finally stepped up and did what was needed. I grew up.
Friday, December 17, 2010
AF pillaged, stole, abducted, lifted, looted, pinched, pirated, swindled, thieved, withdrew....
........my Christmas joy.
Stupid. That is how I feel. Oh and don't forget incompetent, ineffectual, futile, worthless. Who doesn't love a good thesaurus?
Life is crazy and rude. Sometimes almost hopeless. I question what the hell I am supposed to be doing differently. How can I make things better? Easier? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?
Some days I just want to stand up and shout "F&*^ YOU" to whomever is listening hoping that maybe someone up there gets the drift and leaves me the hell alone already.
Ah, who knew I could vaguebook on my blog too? Good stuff I tell ya. Terrific. Lovely. Special. Wonderful.
Must put my head back to the grindstone and hope that this mood passes quickly.
Stupid. That is how I feel. Oh and don't forget incompetent, ineffectual, futile, worthless. Who doesn't love a good thesaurus?
Life is crazy and rude. Sometimes almost hopeless. I question what the hell I am supposed to be doing differently. How can I make things better? Easier? What lesson is the universe trying to teach me?
Some days I just want to stand up and shout "F&*^ YOU" to whomever is listening hoping that maybe someone up there gets the drift and leaves me the hell alone already.
Ah, who knew I could vaguebook on my blog too? Good stuff I tell ya. Terrific. Lovely. Special. Wonderful.
Must put my head back to the grindstone and hope that this mood passes quickly.
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