Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Sitting at dance camp with the little girl
Why is it that parents think it is totally ok to let their other children run rampant in and out of dance rooms playing with things (mats, trampolines)? I swear that for the last 3 weeks, these other children have raised havoc and the mothers sit there chatting like nothing is going on and it has gotten to the point that the owner of the studio (whom is teaching & I am paying for little girl's dance camp) has asked the boys to chill out/stop running/etc. This week, she asked me to keep an eye on them as her foster daughter is among the crowd (but is not disruptive). This burns my biscuits. Why the heck should I have to watch your boys? Why shouldn't you be getting off your butts and watching them yourselves? Ugh. Empty threats don't work. Parenting does. For God's sake...TRY IT! I understand that kids are kids. I understand that sitting at dance camp for an hour and 15 minutes really isn't their thing, but then bring stuff to keep them occupied. Keep them occupied in your eyesight and stop allowing them to act like a bunch of hooligans. For the love of all that is good and right, GET OFF YOUR BUTTS!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Odd man out
Yep. That's me. I'm so tired of trying to fit in that I've decided to embrace not fitting in. As my sister says, "This is me. This is who I am." You can take me or leave me, but I am not going to feel badly.
I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.
I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.
I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?
So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.
I've decided that I'm going to focus on those people who like me and want to be with me. If you have problems with me and you can't be adult enough to speak to me then you are left with what you should be. Bitterness, anger, resentment - whatever. I've been on that side too. That's not a healthy place. Saying what is on your mind does not need to be rude although it is usually confrontational and uncomfortable. Most people do not like that, but the aftermath...the cleanse...is what makes it worth it.
I cannot make everyone happy. I cannot read minds. I will NOT feel guilty for either of these things because it is not my job. And believe me, as a mom, I feel enough guilt for things that are far more important.
I am not perfect. Far from it. But I have a heart and feelings and when someone makes it abundantly clear that I'm not important in their world, that hurts. I am forever trying to do the right thing and be the best person I can be, but sometimes I might have an off day...or hell an off three months. Here are my shoes, remember?
So yeah, I'm thankful for my friends, my family - those who know I am not perfect yet love me anyway and still see something in me that makes it worth having a relationship with me. Those are the people I am focusing on from now on because I have to believe that there is *something* good and worthwhile inside of me.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
Getting healthy and losing weight - sometimes this journey sucks
I am trying to lose weight. 35lbs to be exact. The first month I shed 7 lbs. It wasn't too difficult. Now in my second month, I have lost nothing. In fact, if the scale was correct this morning, I am up two pounds. Now granted, I'm pretty sure it is water weight and the fact that I was camping without proper toilet facilities with a bunch of other people. Unfortunately, I am someone who is very regular while at home, but not so much when I am sleeping somewhere else especially with people who are not part of my family.
I am frustrated. I want this weight to be gone. I want to wake up and be thin again. I HATE LOATHE and DESPISE exercise. Some days I tell myself that I only have to walk on the treadmill just to get my arse on the stupid thing. Most days I end up running anyway. I push myself harder and harder because I am competitive. I want to break my old "record". I also know that my calories burned is higher while running...and the more distance I can get in the shortest amount of time is what I aim for. Distance * (body weight * .63) = net calories burned is what I go by for running. Walking is just a measly half of that. I want it NOW.
On the plus side, I have gone down a pants size. Things that didn't fit are fitting again. There are still quite a few things that are waiting on me to get even smaller though. I am holding out. I am going to keep on keeping on. Even now when I am tired and frustrated. I guess I just need to amp up my exercise and really eat clean. EVERY day. EVERY day is a new day to start again.
I am frustrated. I want this weight to be gone. I want to wake up and be thin again. I HATE LOATHE and DESPISE exercise. Some days I tell myself that I only have to walk on the treadmill just to get my arse on the stupid thing. Most days I end up running anyway. I push myself harder and harder because I am competitive. I want to break my old "record". I also know that my calories burned is higher while running...and the more distance I can get in the shortest amount of time is what I aim for. Distance * (body weight * .63) = net calories burned is what I go by for running. Walking is just a measly half of that. I want it NOW.
On the plus side, I have gone down a pants size. Things that didn't fit are fitting again. There are still quite a few things that are waiting on me to get even smaller though. I am holding out. I am going to keep on keeping on. Even now when I am tired and frustrated. I guess I just need to amp up my exercise and really eat clean. EVERY day. EVERY day is a new day to start again.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Final thoughts on being an adult caretaker
So my mom has now moved back into her home with her husband (my stepfather) with 24 hour paid care. I have met 3 of the 4 caretakers. I actually really like the daytime caregiver. She takes them places and my stepfather is clean, dressed well and looks 100 times better than he did the last time I saw him. I have no doubt that she will take great care of my mom as well.
This leads me to a new anxiety. Letting go and letting someone else take over the care for my mother. Don't get me wrong - caring for my mother was one of the most difficult and life changing things I have ever done. I was tired 99% of the time and in the final weeks, I just wanted an end to it all. I've missed out on so much with my kids and basically was stuck in my house for 3 months Tuesdays through Fridays.
Despite all that, I took my role as an adult caregiver very seriously. I tried very hard to treat my mother the way that I would want to be treated if I were in her position. I didn't make her wear Depends even though it probably wasn't a bad idea. I did end up having her wear them to bed the last couple of weeks because she would forget where the bathroom was and how to go by herself. I only put clothes on her that I know she liked (my brother dressed her in a pair of jeans he bought her often...she HATES jeans and always has). I never brushed the curls out of her perm, but instead found an old large tooth comb that I had had for my spiral perms long ago. I made sure her hair was curly...and just the way she always has worn it. By the end of our time together, she claimed it as her own, so I wrote her name on it in Sharpie and put it in her bag. On St. Patty's day I loaned her a green sweater and when she declared that she loved it and thought it was such a pretty color, I told her it looked much better on her and that she could have it (it really did look better on her!) By writing all this, I am not trying to pat myself on the back. Believe me, I lost my cool and bit my tongue more than once. When she would tell my kids to "shut up", I would hold back my anger and chalk it up to an elderly person not being used to the way kids behave. My kids are loud...as is (or was) my mother...dinner time is never boring. /grin/
I believe that I could have been a much better caregiver at times, but I also believe that her time here was good for her. I will even venture to say that she misses us too. When hubby and I went to see her last Sunday (and bring her her favorite carrot cake cupcakes w/maple cream cheese frosting), she had been sad. My stepfather said our visit made her happy again and that he wanted me to come all the time. (Believe me...that's a pretty big compliment.) She asked about "her kids" and told me again how number 6 got mad at her when she would get after her. I smiled as usual and told her that number 6 was the child that she had always wished on me. My mini me!
In the end, doing the right thing is not always the easiest, but I will NEVER be sorry for doing it. I will NEVER be sorry for taking my mother with all her flaws and having the roles reversed for awhile. I will NEVER be sorry for setting an example for my children on how we are supposed to treat our parents despite what kinds of old hurts haunt us from our past. I did the right thing and I'd like to think that I grew as a person along the way.
This leads me to a new anxiety. Letting go and letting someone else take over the care for my mother. Don't get me wrong - caring for my mother was one of the most difficult and life changing things I have ever done. I was tired 99% of the time and in the final weeks, I just wanted an end to it all. I've missed out on so much with my kids and basically was stuck in my house for 3 months Tuesdays through Fridays.
Despite all that, I took my role as an adult caregiver very seriously. I tried very hard to treat my mother the way that I would want to be treated if I were in her position. I didn't make her wear Depends even though it probably wasn't a bad idea. I did end up having her wear them to bed the last couple of weeks because she would forget where the bathroom was and how to go by herself. I only put clothes on her that I know she liked (my brother dressed her in a pair of jeans he bought her often...she HATES jeans and always has). I never brushed the curls out of her perm, but instead found an old large tooth comb that I had had for my spiral perms long ago. I made sure her hair was curly...and just the way she always has worn it. By the end of our time together, she claimed it as her own, so I wrote her name on it in Sharpie and put it in her bag. On St. Patty's day I loaned her a green sweater and when she declared that she loved it and thought it was such a pretty color, I told her it looked much better on her and that she could have it (it really did look better on her!) By writing all this, I am not trying to pat myself on the back. Believe me, I lost my cool and bit my tongue more than once. When she would tell my kids to "shut up", I would hold back my anger and chalk it up to an elderly person not being used to the way kids behave. My kids are loud...as is (or was) my mother...dinner time is never boring. /grin/
I believe that I could have been a much better caregiver at times, but I also believe that her time here was good for her. I will even venture to say that she misses us too. When hubby and I went to see her last Sunday (and bring her her favorite carrot cake cupcakes w/maple cream cheese frosting), she had been sad. My stepfather said our visit made her happy again and that he wanted me to come all the time. (Believe me...that's a pretty big compliment.) She asked about "her kids" and told me again how number 6 got mad at her when she would get after her. I smiled as usual and told her that number 6 was the child that she had always wished on me. My mini me!
In the end, doing the right thing is not always the easiest, but I will NEVER be sorry for doing it. I will NEVER be sorry for taking my mother with all her flaws and having the roles reversed for awhile. I will NEVER be sorry for setting an example for my children on how we are supposed to treat our parents despite what kinds of old hurts haunt us from our past. I did the right thing and I'd like to think that I grew as a person along the way.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Nothing is more fabulous....
....than using your clothes line after a long, snowy winter!
The next two days are supposed to be sunny AND in the 60's. The snow has finally disappeared enough for me to get out of the cellar and to my clothes line. I AM SO STOKED!!!!! I have not hung anything outside since December. I have missed hanging especially my sheets and tablecloths.
Goodbye dryer and hanging laundry inside on the rolling wardrobe. You've served me well the last few months, but there is a new way to dry in town (finally). Thank you spring!
The next two days are supposed to be sunny AND in the 60's. The snow has finally disappeared enough for me to get out of the cellar and to my clothes line. I AM SO STOKED!!!!! I have not hung anything outside since December. I have missed hanging especially my sheets and tablecloths.
Goodbye dryer and hanging laundry inside on the rolling wardrobe. You've served me well the last few months, but there is a new way to dry in town (finally). Thank you spring!
Friday, February 4, 2011
Walk a mile
I'm so irritated and frankly, hurt.
This journey I'm on right now is all consuming. You all know that because it seems to be the only thing I can write about these days. I have baggage that weighs it down even more which I am trying to shuffle through...trying to heal, forgive - whatever needs to be done.
To be perfectly honest, I am resentful some days. I resent that I am shouldering something else in my already full up life, but what gets me the most is the fact that except for three family members (and one happens to be my brother who is also walking this walk with me), NO ONE really gives a shit. I have high school girl friends and internet friends who have taken the time to text me, call me, write to me - reminding me to keep my chin up - to keep on keeping on. WTF? Doesn't that seem a little backwards to you?
I had two nights in a row where I actually drank wine. TWO. And you would have thought the fucking earth stood still. I don't have a problem with alcohol, I promise. I am stressed beyond measure and yes, I am tense and prone to harsh words when this happens. Of course, you might know that if you actually gave a flying fuck and actually called/texted/checked in more than once.
I would like to just say this: Here are my shoes. Walk a mile in them and then get back to me. Until you become a caregiver for your adult parent who doesn't even know how to fucking wipe themselves anymore while trying to be a wife to a husband who has been strung out from snow storm after snow storm and a mother to 6 kids, don't judge. Don't even look at me funny because you know, I am apt to go off.
This journey I'm on right now is all consuming. You all know that because it seems to be the only thing I can write about these days. I have baggage that weighs it down even more which I am trying to shuffle through...trying to heal, forgive - whatever needs to be done.
To be perfectly honest, I am resentful some days. I resent that I am shouldering something else in my already full up life, but what gets me the most is the fact that except for three family members (and one happens to be my brother who is also walking this walk with me), NO ONE really gives a shit. I have high school girl friends and internet friends who have taken the time to text me, call me, write to me - reminding me to keep my chin up - to keep on keeping on. WTF? Doesn't that seem a little backwards to you?
I had two nights in a row where I actually drank wine. TWO. And you would have thought the fucking earth stood still. I don't have a problem with alcohol, I promise. I am stressed beyond measure and yes, I am tense and prone to harsh words when this happens. Of course, you might know that if you actually gave a flying fuck and actually called/texted/checked in more than once.
I would like to just say this: Here are my shoes. Walk a mile in them and then get back to me. Until you become a caregiver for your adult parent who doesn't even know how to fucking wipe themselves anymore while trying to be a wife to a husband who has been strung out from snow storm after snow storm and a mother to 6 kids, don't judge. Don't even look at me funny because you know, I am apt to go off.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Taking care of me
I am feeling frustrated with myself. I allowed myself to do something that I shouldn't have. I went down a path that wasn't for my feet and now that I've backtracked, I am hurting. The funny thing is, I don't think I ever realized that I'd end up being hurt. I knew I could hurt others, but I never thought about myself. Funny.
I think this is a vicious cycle. Not worrying about yourself until danger or disaster strikes. I think it is a learned trait. After talking with my mom last night, the similarities are dizzying. I have many of the same qualities as she does in regards to living life. Perhaps I need to seriously rethink some and change how I look at the others. I'm not sure, but what an eye opener.
I guess this is where I get angry. Angry at myself for allowing someone who I thought was my friend to treat me in a way that a real friend wouldn't get treated. Friends watch out for each other and don't do things to hurt them or lead them down paths that are long and windy and lead to a blind cliff for the friend to fall off. And when a friend apologizes for bad behavior, you don't just give them the silent treatment. A response is just common courtesy in my book - which means you don't have to absolve anyone, but you just need to accept what's offered and move on.
Perhaps I need to share these feelings with the person...of course, maybe they just aren't worth it after all. /sigh/
I think this is a vicious cycle. Not worrying about yourself until danger or disaster strikes. I think it is a learned trait. After talking with my mom last night, the similarities are dizzying. I have many of the same qualities as she does in regards to living life. Perhaps I need to seriously rethink some and change how I look at the others. I'm not sure, but what an eye opener.
I guess this is where I get angry. Angry at myself for allowing someone who I thought was my friend to treat me in a way that a real friend wouldn't get treated. Friends watch out for each other and don't do things to hurt them or lead them down paths that are long and windy and lead to a blind cliff for the friend to fall off. And when a friend apologizes for bad behavior, you don't just give them the silent treatment. A response is just common courtesy in my book - which means you don't have to absolve anyone, but you just need to accept what's offered and move on.
Perhaps I need to share these feelings with the person...of course, maybe they just aren't worth it after all. /sigh/
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