I loathe my birthday - there I said it!

I have a love/hate relationship with the month of May. It isn't ever what I envision it to be - what I long for it to be.

Mother's Day is generally pretty nice whether we are home or on Cape like the last couple of years, but my birthday has sucked since my sister moved away. Why? Because my sister is the planner and she would always make sure people celebrated my birthday.

I go overboard on birthdays. I make sure that the person having a birthday feels like the center of the universe for the day. They decide the meal, the cake, are sure to get the gifts they want (within reason) and have a day to do whatever they want with whomever they want to do it with.

I have not had a party or get together since my sister moved away. Most of the years, I've been lucky to have had some unwrapped gifts thrown my way before going out the door for baseball & softball games for the kids. Never cake. Or a meal that was prepared because that is what I like to eat. Honestly, it sucked. I think it hurt even more that every other birthday in hubby's family is celebrated. We all get together for my MIL's, FIL's, SILS', BIL's, kids', etc - everyone's but mine.

The last couple of years I've made it known that this behavior bothers me. That I would love to know that people wanted to come over and celebrate my birthday or that my family wanted to make sure I had at least a cake. Things did get better and hubby really tries to make things right, but he just doesn't "get it". The kids have baked me a cake the last couple of years and hubby always tries to make sure he buys me a great gift, but it isn't about the gift. It's about the time and energy someone puts into it. Hubby is a last minute type of guy - not a planner.

This year I threw caution to the wind and planned my own darn birthday and made sure I surrounded myself with people who make me laugh and that I have fun with. I planned an overnight away from my children in a place that *I* wanted to go, but yet, my tummy is queasy and I'm feeling very nervous over the whole thing. I can't wait to see everyone, yet part of me wonders if it won't be what I expect. I know this is my issue. I own it. I'm trying to work past it.

I also have fallen off the good food and exercise wagon. This is day two of no exercise. The day isn't over by any means, but when I get out of my routine, I just can't seem to put the pieces back together. I also ate a whole lemon blueberry cake by myself in two days. A WHOLE CAKE! I want this to stop. It became obvious to me that eating the cake was a totally emotional thing. I am trying to make my birthday worries go away by sticking food into my mouth. How sad is that? How sad am I? On top of that, a quick glance at the calendar shows that the witchy aunt is due to arrive on Sunday. Oh the joys. Or lack of joy.

Gah. Off to go watch a recorder concert that I don't want to watch especially not with a 2yo in tow. And because I needed to write this stuff down, we'll be late on top of it all. Just need the strength to pull myself up by my bootstraps and stop wallowing in the pity of it all...I know. I know. Thanks for reading, dear friends.

Weekend fun - past & future

Not much going on here...or rather too much going on here? I never know which. The days all seem to blur together this time of year.

Mother's Day weekend was really nice. We were at the Cape staying with the hubster's brother in Chatham. My SILs, B & I enjoyed a nice visit to P-Town on Saturday. We browsed the shops and had a late lunch. Ended up buying my niece a birthday gift (she turned 19 that day) and bought myself some half price Merrells. I also bought the hubster a new wallet while I was there. Made my purchase of shoes feel better. :) There was lots of laughter and fun and great people watching!

Sunday we did some last minute shopping at the greenhouse in Harwich and then my SIL and I hit downtown Chatham so I could pick up a thank you gift for our German neighbors who had nicely offered to take care of the dogs for the weekend. The guys bought & made dinner for the girls and then cleaned up. It was a good day. My kiddos ended up getting me some iTunes cards which was a nice treat. The littlest boys also brought me home potted flowers in hand decorated pots on Friday along with cards and other little notes & treats they made me at school. I know when they are all grown up, I will miss those the most.

This time of year is busy for all of us. The hubster has been working crazy hours, we're in the last stretch of dance (recital is in 3 weeks) and we have J's first prom coming up. I also am looking forward to my first 39th birthday this weekend. The hubster and I are going away over night and leaving the kiddos. The two drama queens (T & Em) will be at the ILs and the other 4 will be home. I know J & B will be fine with the two littlest boys and now that J has his license, we have a bit more freedom. Our neighbors will also be home keeping an eye out for us. I'm really looking forward to staying in a nice hotel and not sharing my bed with anyone but my hubby! I am also looking forward to eating good food that I didn't have to make. Simple pleasures....

Exercise front - not so good. I've been moving every day, but my shins are getting progressively worse. I'm not sure if I need better sneakers or if I've actually hurt myself. Yesterday I barely made it through 30 minutes of my usual workout. Once I took all incline off and slowed my speed way down it wasn't so bad. Today I've decided not to push myself so hard on the treadmill. Maybe keep the incline at 5 and the speed around 3mph. Some movement is better than none, right? I also will do my ab & arm work. Almost time to measure myself again. I hope I see some change. Seriously. If I don't, I may make an appointment with my doctor to discuss what I can do differently. I also have a feeling I have undiagnosed asthma, but that is another story all together. Oh well...slow and steady wins the race - that's my story & I'm sticking to it!

Happy Sather Falkerhood

ROFLMAO

For those who are not familiar with the Cake Wrecks blog, please take a moment to check out the following link and be sure to watch the video. This site makes me laugh until I cry. If you have extra time, I suggest reading through the most popular entries on the site. They are listed on the right hand side and are guaranteed to make you laugh, cry and maybe even pee your pants. Seriously - you can't make this stuff up which is what makes it so funny!


Cake Wrecks - Happy Sather Falkerhood

Saturday - Glorious Saturday

I did not have to bring J to the park so he could coach t-ball today. No, I did not! My big boy got his license and brought himself in his own car, thankyouverymuch. I did however have to say good bye to the hubster who is working all day. And also told me that he likely has to work tomorrow too. Gah. He has been SOOO busy lately and I'm not complaining really since work is a good thing and will pay our many, many bills, but I still miss having him around.

Last night I picked up a good friend and hit a flip flop party at my SILs house. (www.toegoz.com) It wasn't like a typical "in home" party for the fact that there wasn't any sales pitch. The product was out, she had catalogs and you could try on what was there and buy or not. It was rather nice, actually. I ended up buying two pairs, but only for the fact that my feet are small enough to buy the youth sizes (which were $11 cheaper than the adult sizes). Unfortunately the youth sizes didn't have the best selection, but they did have one style that I really, REALLY liked and the adult sizes didn't offer it. Here are the ones I chose:

http://www.toegoz.com/popup.aspx?productId=2312&category=tweens
http://www.toegoz.com/popup.aspx?productId=2309&category=tweens

Tonight we have plans to head to another one of hubby's high school friends' get togethers. These are so much fun and I look forward to them almost more than hubby does! I have really hit it off with so many of the women that graduated with him and count them among some of my best friends. I'm torn on whether I will want wine, beer or if I want to pick up some tequila and have margaritas. I had a nice Shiraz last night so maybe I'll drink Corona tonight. Before the day gets much later I will also need to make some empanadas. They have become my "signature dish" among these get togethers and I would hate to disappoint my loyal eaters of said cookies.

Tomorrow is church (unless of course hubby needs to work in the morning) and I've been told that the congregation voted and we will be going back to having sunday school during the sermon instead of after church is over. I'm relieved. I may even stay beyond this summer. Again, change is so often tortuous for me. And the thing is that when I am put on the spot about change without having some time to mull things over, I more often than not do not speak my displeasure. I need to work on that. Either I need to learn to digest things faster in my brain or I need to start telling people that I will have to think it over. I'm guessing the latter is likely the right choice.

On the exercise front, I've been averaging about 15 miles per week on the treadmill and am still doing pilates and stretching after. I haven't lost more than a couple of pounds, but I keep going. J did show me a P90X exercise for my abs yesterday that is so simple yet burns the hell out of my abs. I am supposed to get up to a count of 25. I barely got to 8 or 9 today. I love to change the pilates/ab stuff up so I was thankful for that. Someday I hope to be able to start P90X and follow the program, but for now I am proud of myself for making exercise part of my daily routine...especially those days that I want nothing more than to skip it. Baby steps & every day is a new day have become my motto. I may even start leaving myself love notes around the house telling myself that I am worth it! hahaha I also got a great email from a friend the other day telling me about a great new diet plan. It's the Dawn Keye diet...it shoes a picture of a donkey in the 'fridge with a caption that reads: "Dawn Keye Diet - Keep your ass out of the 'fridge!" Uh, yeah....I need to remember that one!

And on that note I bid you all adieu for another few days. I'm off to make my cookies, shower and enjoy the sunshine and beautiful weather (all while using proper sunscreen...this peeling stuff sucks!)

Siblings, Parents and a couple of "Why?"'s

How do you stop your heart from breaking over your children?

This week has been different in our house. Our 17yo homebody has been gone since last Thursday. He's on a trip with his girlfriend and her family and due home sometime tonight. Throughout the week I've wondered how & what he doing. We've kept in touch via text and when I learned of the wild fires burning in his general vicinity, I called him to make sure he was safe.

It is funny how well I could read his texts and know whether he was homesick or having a good time. What I find even better is the fact that he misses - really misses - his siblings. Most of the time they drive him bonkers. He gets mostly irritated by T and this morning when I told him I was making cupcakes for T's birthday party at an indoor play place, my big boy told me to tell his brother that he hoped he had a good time tonight. WHAT?! Did I just read that text right?

It's magical and wonderful to realize that these children who can fight like cats and dogs also have the capacity to love each other and take care of each other. The few glimpses I get of the love make the fighting tolerable for the most part. I know underneath the sibling irritations are strong feelings of tenderness and love for each other. That is one of the things that makes parenting awesome.

I also have been counseling, via text, my son's issues with his girlfriend. While I like her and think she is a very nice girl, it is becoming obvious to me (and actually to hubby too) that she isn't very sensitive. There are things she does that are hurtful and while I don't think she sees them as such, she tends to get angry when called on them instead of being empathetic. We have stayed out of any squabbles (except I have told them both that the other can't read minds...a very important life lesson when it comes to serious relationships). It breaks my heart to see my son's heart hurting over someone he very obviously cares for. This part of parenting is so very difficult for me because I am a fixer. I want to fix it so that no one hurts or gets a broken heart and yet, I can't. And I know I shouldn't even if I could.

I wonder if my past makes me a bit naive when it comes to relationships as well. Honestly, I knew hubby was my other half about 3 months into our dating relationship. He knew it too. We were meant to be together, but knowing that at 16yo is not the norm I don't think. The fact that I was with my hubby when I was younger than my son blows my mind. By the time I was my son's age, I was engaged and had a diamond ring on my finger. Crazy to think about it that way. So when I counsel my son (or any of my other kiddos) on relationships, what do I have to go on besides my own? I tell them that I just *knew* that their Dad was the one. There is no other way to explain it. I did just *know*. I felt like God had whispered it into my ear and heart....while I'm not sure I believe in predestination on a whole, I think I was predestined to be with hubby. How will that help them though? I don't know that all relationships are like that. I also don't know if maybe you have to be ready for it to understand it.

So yeah, my son is on his way home in an extra cab pick up filled with 5 people and two dogs with a girlfriend who is angry with him for calling her out on something that is hurtful and I'm here and cannot do a dang thing about it except be available for texting.

So how do you stop your own heart from breaking over what your children are experiencing anyway?

Friends

I know I've blogged more than once about the lack of female friends I've had in my life and how lucky I feel & blessed I am after two meet ups with the best of the best. I was reminded of this yesterday when I hosted a lunch for two of the women from that amazing group.

The majority of my life seems to have been spent with little people without much adult contact. In fact, I will even venture that most of that is my own doing because I'm just not an extrovert. Don't get me wrong, I can be as obnoxious as the next person when in a group of people I know well although I do try to curb that back as well. I just don't put myself into situations that would allow me any discomfort and therefore do not go to library story hour, community playgroups or any type of Moms' clubs. It stems back from when my parents were divorced. I remember feeling different for the first time while at the bus stop with some older girls in the neighborhood. It wasn't that they were mean to me, but I clearly felt out of place. Being a tomboy AND living with just my Dad *did* make me different. After this I stopped thinking that girls would like me or want to be my friend. That's not to say I never had girlfriends because I did. I just never had a slew of them. I was always more comfortable with boys. In fact, from age 12-13 (and well after) I had two boys who were my BEST friends. They always proved to be my friends even when my girlfriends had outcast me from "the group".

So yesterday's visit left me emotional, but in a good way. When the house became quiet I realized how much I already missed my girlfriends and their children. How much I missed just sitting around and gabbing. How I missed the kids all running around, playing and well, acting like children. It was a day near perfection for me. I had two women here whom I love with all my heart and soul. They are my sistahs. I was comfortable and happy and well, content. With girlfriends. Can you imagine? This is one instance where I cannot seem to convey the wonderful feelings I have into words.

As I age it becomes more clear what really is important in life. It isn't what I have, but those who I surround myself with. (Ah, good thing my friend John doesn't read my blog - I'd blow my "Materialistic Biotch" cover!) I have chosen to surround myself with those women who lift me up. Who always want what is best for me (and I for them, of course). It is truly amazing what life has become with them around. In my wildest dreams I couldn't have imagined how wonderful it would be so thank you. Thank you to the two awesome women who traveled to my home yesterday and thank you to the bigger group who love me even when I find it hard to love myself. Thank you for your encouraging words, your prayers/good thoughts and most importantly your love & friendship. You've added something to my life that I never have experienced and boy is it good. <3

The weekend is almost over - wahhhhh

I LOVE SPRING!

It's been a truly lovely weekend. The weather has been fab (even though the sun wasn't out much yesterday) and I'm just sad to see it over.

Yesterday, after dropping Bec off at umpiring class, the four youngest and I cleaned the yard. Got rid of broken toys and picked up various pieces of garbage that got away over the winter. Said goodbye to my lounge chair, which was sad. It was part of a patio set that my Dad bought at least 20+ years ago - one of the few things that I still have from when we sold his house. Still have the small round table and four chairs although the cushions need replacing now. Now if I could just get hubby to bring the pile of broken stuff to the transfer station I'd be a happy camper.

Today hubby made my garden bigger (pictures to follow). I am excited to get the whole thing planted. Just need to wait another week or so. My seedlings have started sprouting here in the house and I have more seeds to plant directly in the garden. Decided to plant the Roma tomato seeds directly into the garden like I did last year. While the tomatoes did not ripen on the vine, we had a boatload of green tomatoes that we ripened in the dining room closet. Having garden tomatoes until October was such a treat! I also added two kinds of radishes, turnips, sunflowers, wax beans, green peppers, carnival mix peppers and eggplant to the seeds for this year's garden to go along with the usual cukes, yellow squash, zucchini and beets. For herbs, I have chives, garlic chives (which actually grow wild in the yard all spring), rosemary, dill, two kinds of basil and I think thyme. I am totally in love with basil and oddly enough, so are the kids! They are like me and eat the leaves plain right off the plant.

We also discussed the plans for fencing in the front walkway/bed area. This area was BEAUTIFUL when we moved in. It was nicely landscaped and the previous owner took great care there. And then the dogs got to it. Not so beautiful anymore. In fact, pretty darn ghetto looking now. So we have decided on a 4' white picket fence and 4' gate along with a paver walkway which leads up to our front door. On one side of the door will be the bulbs & perennials and we will keep the old washtub filled with annuals. Hoping that hubby agrees to the trellis at the fence gate which will have clematis growing up either side. To the other side of the door I've decided to make that my herb garden. For now I will keep the herbs potted with the hopes that I will be able to transfer them into the space before fall. To help things along, I have decided that the next couple of weeks I will thin out and replant the very large hostas growing along the current gravel path to our front door. They are really very pretty, but def. need to be separated. If any of my local readers would like some hostas for free, let me know! We also have a large quantity of wild growing day lilies for the taking. They are weeds here, but I know some people really like them.

I am now off to plant some hardy annuals I bought at Evil-Mart today. I have two very large round metal containers that we usually plant annuals in so I thought I'd get a bit of an early start. I like to put pink impatiens in there later in the summer, but for now I've got some purple, red & white annuals to take their place along with a pretty plant my MIL brought me on Easter.

Did I mention that I love spring? Cuz I do. Really. Really, really.