So what exactly did 20 years of marriage bring to us yesterday? Hah. Here's the rundown!
It brought 3 children 10 and under with fevers. 4 children 10 and under with coughs that just wouldn't quit and yet another day home from school. Let me also mention that it also brought a hubby home early to change out of soaking wet clothes & a scratchy throat to boot. I'm almost positive that we're all going to be oinking at some point! Well, maybe not me because you know Moms aren't allowed to be sick.
On the phone with my bestie, it brought a clogged toilet which wouldn't have been so bad except that the little one decided to poop on top of it all. Gagging is always a treat, but even more so on your 20th wedding anniversary. Washing the plunger out is also a great treat. YAY!
It brought rain & damp, cold weather, a trip to J's high school around noon with the whole sick crew and a trip to R's high school at 4:45pm followed by a trip to the dance studio by myself. Of course, it brought a fire in the woodstove too...one that by dinner time had forced us to open up the windows in the dining room because we all were melting from the heat.
It brought a *delicious* dinner of angel hair, jarred sauce and a cake from a box. Very gourmet indeed. The kids did try to sing Happy Anniversary to us though which was pretty cool since no one really felt well. They told us we should have had 20 candles in the cake to blow out. When did anniversaries become like birthdays?
Basically the day was like any other with a little bit of extra crap (no pun intended) thrown in, BUT we gave each other some nice cards w/pretty words, had quite a few laughs in spite of the all the crap and promised that we'll celebrate it right some other day when things are less hectic.
It also brought so many thoughtful anniversary greetings - on FB, by text, email, phone & by snail mail. We are so blessed with wonderful family & friends and we know we are loved.
Mostly, yesterday cemented the fact that hubby is really the only person that I would want to have beside me when we're dealing with life. I still would choose him 23 years later.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
10/28/86
The day Chris asked me to "go out" with him exclusively. 10/28/89 - The day we were joined in marriage.
23 years later and I am even more in love with him. Sure, there are days that I would like to throttle him and I'm sure the same holds true for him. There are days I rethink my choices I've made in my life thus far, but the constant is that he is my BEST friend. He always has been. I think is likely why we're still together. The butterflies in my tummy ebb and flow, but knowing I have another half is what keeps me going.
So happy anniversary to my best friend and hubby. Hope the next 20 bring as many blessings as the first 20. I love you the mostest, the bestest and all the muches...always & forever.
23 years later and I am even more in love with him. Sure, there are days that I would like to throttle him and I'm sure the same holds true for him. There are days I rethink my choices I've made in my life thus far, but the constant is that he is my BEST friend. He always has been. I think is likely why we're still together. The butterflies in my tummy ebb and flow, but knowing I have another half is what keeps me going.
So happy anniversary to my best friend and hubby. Hope the next 20 bring as many blessings as the first 20. I love you the mostest, the bestest and all the muches...always & forever.
Monday, October 26, 2009
The time has come
The time has come where I can no longer take the lung burning during/after a good run. After finishing my 5K on Saturday in just over 38 minutes I realized that if I had been able to run the whole thing without stopping and gasping for air I might have shaved enough off my time to actually meet the goal I set for myself in finishing a race in 30-35 minutes. Not only did the burn happen during the run, I felt the after effects the whole day. It was not pleasant at all and after 7 months of regular cardio exercise, I think I should be farther along than I am.
So I need to make an appointment with my GP's office. I am almost certain that I have asthma. I'm almost certain that burning lungs at less than a 5mph speed 7 months into running isn't right. I also am pretty sure this is why I hated running when I was younger. I remember this feeling and I didn't understand when I was a young girl, but I do now. It wasn't so much being out of shape (I loved to swim, ride my bike, play kickball & volleyball) as much as it was the "burning lungs syndrome" of asthma. I also remember doing really well in sprints - it was the longer distance stuff that was the bane of my existence. I get it now.
I feel good in the fact that my blood pressure is where it needs to be so I know I won't be getting "the look" from my PA as I did last March when I went in so sick with bronchitis and a hell of a sinus infection. I view that appointment as a "turning point" in my life. I decided on that day that I needed to take control of what was happening to my body and take care of myself. Not only for me, but for the many people who count on me on a daily basis. The change has been slow. I have not lost a ton of weight although I remind myself that that wasn't my number one goal. I have lost about 5 pounds total since the start of this journey. I also still have to push myself some days. I find that if I have a goal (like running a 5k), I am much more likely to work harder. I am thinking that my next goal will be to strengthen my core muscles & arms. I will keep running a few times a week for the cardio benefits, but I want to get serious about toning & building muscle now. I know I am stronger & healthier than I was 7 months ago, but I aim to be even better than I was in my 20's. I want my 40's to be the best time yet because I have a feeling that so many good things are coming my way.
I am proud of myself for pushing through even with the pain & wheezing. I have proven to myself just how strong and how much gumption I really have. Now I just have to ride the wave to where I want to be. It probably won't be easy, but that hasn't scared me yet. I also know I have the BEST cheerleaders in the whole world should I need a pick me up or a reminder of what I am capable of. Life is good...even with asthma.
So I need to make an appointment with my GP's office. I am almost certain that I have asthma. I'm almost certain that burning lungs at less than a 5mph speed 7 months into running isn't right. I also am pretty sure this is why I hated running when I was younger. I remember this feeling and I didn't understand when I was a young girl, but I do now. It wasn't so much being out of shape (I loved to swim, ride my bike, play kickball & volleyball) as much as it was the "burning lungs syndrome" of asthma. I also remember doing really well in sprints - it was the longer distance stuff that was the bane of my existence. I get it now.
I feel good in the fact that my blood pressure is where it needs to be so I know I won't be getting "the look" from my PA as I did last March when I went in so sick with bronchitis and a hell of a sinus infection. I view that appointment as a "turning point" in my life. I decided on that day that I needed to take control of what was happening to my body and take care of myself. Not only for me, but for the many people who count on me on a daily basis. The change has been slow. I have not lost a ton of weight although I remind myself that that wasn't my number one goal. I have lost about 5 pounds total since the start of this journey. I also still have to push myself some days. I find that if I have a goal (like running a 5k), I am much more likely to work harder. I am thinking that my next goal will be to strengthen my core muscles & arms. I will keep running a few times a week for the cardio benefits, but I want to get serious about toning & building muscle now. I know I am stronger & healthier than I was 7 months ago, but I aim to be even better than I was in my 20's. I want my 40's to be the best time yet because I have a feeling that so many good things are coming my way.
I am proud of myself for pushing through even with the pain & wheezing. I have proven to myself just how strong and how much gumption I really have. Now I just have to ride the wave to where I want to be. It probably won't be easy, but that hasn't scared me yet. I also know I have the BEST cheerleaders in the whole world should I need a pick me up or a reminder of what I am capable of. Life is good...even with asthma.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Well look at that...two days in a row of blogging! Murphy's Law, I suppose. Say something won't happen and look, it does!
Today I spent two hours of my life in a Pre-K classroom. I've spent hours in this classroom over the last couple of years with D's pre-k's classes, but this was my first day in E's class. I've always enjoyed it. Usually I do simple work (cutting stuff out, copying, helping at center time, etc.)...sometimes you could maybe even call it boring. WOW. I was NOT prepared for today!
Pre-K classrooms that are held in our public schools are integrated classes - meaning that there are "role model" kids and "special ed" kids. D is a "special ed/special needs" kid because he receives speech & language services as well as some OT. Other than the few issues he still has with speech and the fact that he is a teeny bit off on his mid-line abilities, he is like any other normal kid. Obviously, not all special ed/special need kids are this way.
It became apparent when I walked into the music room that today was not like the other times. There was one little boy who the main pre-k teacher, Mrs L, was keeping very close tabs on. He was earning pieces of a train with good behavior and following directions. Another little boy was sitting outside the classroom because something frightened him in the music room (the music teacher was wearing a belted mic system which may have been the cause). The rest of the kids were following the music teacher for the most part with the younger ones having a bit harder time. (My girl? Yeah, she was the one who didn't stand with the others, but stood front and center with the teacher. gah!)
On the way back to class I was in charge of the line and we stopped at the fountain for a sip of water. We walked quietly for the most part up the ramp past the library and into the classroom. Mrs. L was still very much involved with the same boy so the paraprofessional, Mrs. D, was telling the children what centers were open and letting them choose one by one which they wanted to go to.
At this time I was in charge of a cutting project. I find that most 3 yo's still have issues with cutting (thumbs up and scissors WIDE, when we cut) and even some 4 yo's too (heck, some Kindergartners still need help). It was good to have no more than 2 children there at a time and for some kids even just having one was good. This is where I got to meet R. He was the little boy sitting outside at music. He is obviously special needs, but I couldn't venture to guess what services he receives. He has trouble following directions sometimes and likes to be moving, but he also is a little boy who cut out his own paper even though Mrs. D told me that he couldn't. I helped him put his scissors on correctly, held the paper for him and HE cut it. He did beautifully and from then on, I was in love. I think the feeling was mutual because he talked to me quite a bit during snack time.
In the middle of center time, the class was called down for pictures. Anyone who has pre-k kids knows that disruption of the schedule sometimes can be a bit daunting. It is hard to just have to stop and start something else. The kids did great and only a few were behind pottying and washing hands before pictures. We went to library and some of the more active kids went first and then I took them back to the classroom to clean up and get ready for snack. By the time the classroom was cleaned up, tables wiped and readied for snack, the whole class was back and everyone lined up to wash. During this time, the main teacher was still close to the same little boy and I realized then that this class is FAR more of handful than the others I've been in the last two years. I did mention this to Mrs. D and she said that the afternoon class has its challenges as well because there are no "returning" pre-k'ers in that class. I found a new respect for Mrs. L and Mrs. D. Not once did I see them lose their cool or get angry. I saw frustration more than once, but it was definitely kept in check. I admire that greatly since I have a hot head and know how hard it is to keep a quiet voice when you really want to scream.
I also found that some of the hardest kids to deal with are also the ones I personally find the most joy in. The one little boy that Mrs. L was keeping tabs on thought about others and was kind. R might have a hard time following directions and keeping his body still, but he is lovable and sweet. Another little boy who has boundless energy has the happiest face I have EVER seen. He smiles ALL the time. While I'm sure the challenges of teaching these particular boys sometimes is overwhelming I can't help, but feel how lucky I am to be a part of it even though it is only a couple of days a month.
I guess what it comes down to is that children are all different. Sometimes the children who are MOST different and may present the biggest challenge to us are the ones that also have the power to give you complete joy in just knowing them and watching them grow. I was definitely blessed this morning and I look forward to going back next Thursday to do it again.
Today I spent two hours of my life in a Pre-K classroom. I've spent hours in this classroom over the last couple of years with D's pre-k's classes, but this was my first day in E's class. I've always enjoyed it. Usually I do simple work (cutting stuff out, copying, helping at center time, etc.)...sometimes you could maybe even call it boring. WOW. I was NOT prepared for today!
Pre-K classrooms that are held in our public schools are integrated classes - meaning that there are "role model" kids and "special ed" kids. D is a "special ed/special needs" kid because he receives speech & language services as well as some OT. Other than the few issues he still has with speech and the fact that he is a teeny bit off on his mid-line abilities, he is like any other normal kid. Obviously, not all special ed/special need kids are this way.
It became apparent when I walked into the music room that today was not like the other times. There was one little boy who the main pre-k teacher, Mrs L, was keeping very close tabs on. He was earning pieces of a train with good behavior and following directions. Another little boy was sitting outside the classroom because something frightened him in the music room (the music teacher was wearing a belted mic system which may have been the cause). The rest of the kids were following the music teacher for the most part with the younger ones having a bit harder time. (My girl? Yeah, she was the one who didn't stand with the others, but stood front and center with the teacher. gah!)
On the way back to class I was in charge of the line and we stopped at the fountain for a sip of water. We walked quietly for the most part up the ramp past the library and into the classroom. Mrs. L was still very much involved with the same boy so the paraprofessional, Mrs. D, was telling the children what centers were open and letting them choose one by one which they wanted to go to.
At this time I was in charge of a cutting project. I find that most 3 yo's still have issues with cutting (thumbs up and scissors WIDE, when we cut) and even some 4 yo's too (heck, some Kindergartners still need help). It was good to have no more than 2 children there at a time and for some kids even just having one was good. This is where I got to meet R. He was the little boy sitting outside at music. He is obviously special needs, but I couldn't venture to guess what services he receives. He has trouble following directions sometimes and likes to be moving, but he also is a little boy who cut out his own paper even though Mrs. D told me that he couldn't. I helped him put his scissors on correctly, held the paper for him and HE cut it. He did beautifully and from then on, I was in love. I think the feeling was mutual because he talked to me quite a bit during snack time.
In the middle of center time, the class was called down for pictures. Anyone who has pre-k kids knows that disruption of the schedule sometimes can be a bit daunting. It is hard to just have to stop and start something else. The kids did great and only a few were behind pottying and washing hands before pictures. We went to library and some of the more active kids went first and then I took them back to the classroom to clean up and get ready for snack. By the time the classroom was cleaned up, tables wiped and readied for snack, the whole class was back and everyone lined up to wash. During this time, the main teacher was still close to the same little boy and I realized then that this class is FAR more of handful than the others I've been in the last two years. I did mention this to Mrs. D and she said that the afternoon class has its challenges as well because there are no "returning" pre-k'ers in that class. I found a new respect for Mrs. L and Mrs. D. Not once did I see them lose their cool or get angry. I saw frustration more than once, but it was definitely kept in check. I admire that greatly since I have a hot head and know how hard it is to keep a quiet voice when you really want to scream.
I also found that some of the hardest kids to deal with are also the ones I personally find the most joy in. The one little boy that Mrs. L was keeping tabs on thought about others and was kind. R might have a hard time following directions and keeping his body still, but he is lovable and sweet. Another little boy who has boundless energy has the happiest face I have EVER seen. He smiles ALL the time. While I'm sure the challenges of teaching these particular boys sometimes is overwhelming I can't help, but feel how lucky I am to be a part of it even though it is only a couple of days a month.
I guess what it comes down to is that children are all different. Sometimes the children who are MOST different and may present the biggest challenge to us are the ones that also have the power to give you complete joy in just knowing them and watching them grow. I was definitely blessed this morning and I look forward to going back next Thursday to do it again.
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Come out, come out wherever you are!
I've tried in vain to come up with fun and/or witty things to write about the past couple of weeks. You see, I started this blog to be able to decompress thoughts and feelings in my head and as I read back through the last dozen or so posts, I am disgusted that all I seem to be able to write about is girlfriend drama or kids or whatever. Nothing meaty or helpful or even a bit enjoyable.
I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.
I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.
And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.
I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.
My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.
So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.
I know I can be witty...hell, sometimes even downright funny. I know I'm intelligent and I care about the world around me and the events taking place in it. However, I also realize that I don't have the time anymore to get all my ducks in row on some subjects (politics anyone?). I am trying to better myself in so many ways on top of trying to keep the house in running order and family up to speed. I find myself with a lot less time to think - never mind write.
I wish I could come up with something eloquent about how autumn in New England makes me feel. Or tell a tale or two about how I spend my 1/2 days of freedom now that number 6 is in Pre-K. Truth be told, I don't think anyone really cares about my run of the mill run on the treadmill or how I lost my breath two miles into my run and had to walk for a bit down the street. I don't think anyone wants to hear how I drink my coffee, run, do laundry and try to clean each and every day or why my library books sat here because I just couldn't find the time to bring them back when they were due.
And just so I am sure I am not setting the wrong tone, I am not upset about this. I think what I am finding out is that my RL isn't so very overwhelming (and at the same time underwhelming) anymore. I don't need an outlet as much as I used to. I am finding that even some of my IF's are becoming a part of my RL and that is awesome.
I used the computer to find friends during a time in my life that I couldn't/wouldn't find them around me and now those same friends have changed how I look at myself and my world. I've learned so much about keeping my mouth shut when I'm not certain about the stuff coming out of it (well, this always could use work...lol), about empathy and being the kind of person that people want to be like and really just living...being a part of the human race.
My journey to a better me is not even close to being done (as far as I know), but I'm enjoying it more. Perhaps knowing that my 40th birthday is looming large on the horizon also has something to do with making sure I'm living my life in a way that I'll look back and be pleased with who I've surrounded myself with and what I've accomplished. Perhaps it is even because my eldest will be 18. He is beginning adulthood and I am firmly planted here already. It often makes me reflect on what is past, but more importantly, what I want to see & feel in the future.
So I apologize for the lack of witty, entertaining posts over the last 6 or so months. I hope to rectify it at some point, but if I don't, at least you all know that I'm off living the life that I hope will be with very few regrets.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Insomnia Bites
It is 3:30am. I should be sleeping. I woke up at 1:46am with a start realizing that my hubby had not called or texted me since about 8:30pm when they had stopped for gas. I'm sure he didn't want to wake me and I appreciate it, but I worry. I would like to think that no news is good news. Yeah, I'm going to go with that because short of calling the hotel, I have no other way of knowing. I texted him and have heard nothing back in two hours.
So I can't sleep. My hubby being gone is rare and it is unsettling to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like weekends away with my girlfriends or other family members. I enjoy getting away from the daily grind of housework and taking care of little ones (and the not so little ones), but I don't sleep well there either. Sleeping next to my hubby is where I am meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up from a horrible, scary dream and had him to comfort me or how many times his rhythmic breathing helped get me back to sleep because something else had woken me.
I don't like to sleep alone at all which is why David is tucked into my bed nicely right now. He knew as soon as it was decided that Daddy was going away that he'd have his spot. If you must know, this is the same boy who climbs in our bed almost nightly without much thinking. Knowing from experience, they stop eventually. Jeremy and Becca both climbed into bed with us regularly and suffice to say, they don't anymore. I love having my littlest boy next to me most of the time.
So today was a weird day. I worked all morning trying to get clothing (ties, shirts, pants) ironed and ready as well as baking some magic bars for their long ride. I started changing Em's clothes out putting the last of her summer dresses and clothing away or into a bag for donating right before they left. I felt so out of sorts. Depressed, but tired too. It was like I was living in a fog all day. I had planned on taking the kids to BIL & SIL's house for a birthday party, but it was 4pm - I was supposed to be there at 4pm - and I was just heading out to Target (which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction). I spent WAY more than I intended at Target and then came home to a supper of Taquitos. I know...my one guilty processed food pleasure and the kids love them too. I realized halfway through supper that we were out of milk so I took a drive to the convenience store and picked some up along with some vanilla ice cream. I decided Becca and I would have root beer floats after the kids went to bed. So glad I tucked a 12 pack away without anyone noticing beforehand. Jeremy would have totally drank away at my stash if he knew.
Tomorrow will be another long day. There is church (yuck - will this feeling ever disappear?) and all of the kids will have to come along. Usually Chris keeps David & Em because David thinks church is "boring" and has no problem speaking those words loudly so the congregation can hear him and Em, well, she is just a handful and has a hard time sitting still for too long. After church is Family Day up at the Senior Housing Center/park in town. Most everything is free and they have face painting, bounce house/slides, games, etc. all geared for the kids. Thomas will be joining his friend's family for the day after church and I will take Daniel, David & Em with me. Becca has friends she wants to hang with for the day - probably across the street in front of the library, but that's ok. After that, we will head home for a quick supper and then the mad dash to get school stuff done. Lunches, showers, milk money for the week. Maybe tomorrow night I won't wake up and not be able to sleep, but even so, I know once hubby gets home, I'll sleep better.
Off to see if sleep will come...it's almost 4am now. Even the extra 2-3 hours I might get now will make tomorrow easier.... a girl can dream.
So I can't sleep. My hubby being gone is rare and it is unsettling to me. Now, don't get me wrong, I like weekends away with my girlfriends or other family members. I enjoy getting away from the daily grind of housework and taking care of little ones (and the not so little ones), but I don't sleep well there either. Sleeping next to my hubby is where I am meant to be.
I cannot tell you how many times I have woken up from a horrible, scary dream and had him to comfort me or how many times his rhythmic breathing helped get me back to sleep because something else had woken me.
I don't like to sleep alone at all which is why David is tucked into my bed nicely right now. He knew as soon as it was decided that Daddy was going away that he'd have his spot. If you must know, this is the same boy who climbs in our bed almost nightly without much thinking. Knowing from experience, they stop eventually. Jeremy and Becca both climbed into bed with us regularly and suffice to say, they don't anymore. I love having my littlest boy next to me most of the time.
So today was a weird day. I worked all morning trying to get clothing (ties, shirts, pants) ironed and ready as well as baking some magic bars for their long ride. I started changing Em's clothes out putting the last of her summer dresses and clothing away or into a bag for donating right before they left. I felt so out of sorts. Depressed, but tired too. It was like I was living in a fog all day. I had planned on taking the kids to BIL & SIL's house for a birthday party, but it was 4pm - I was supposed to be there at 4pm - and I was just heading out to Target (which is 25 minutes in the opposite direction). I spent WAY more than I intended at Target and then came home to a supper of Taquitos. I know...my one guilty processed food pleasure and the kids love them too. I realized halfway through supper that we were out of milk so I took a drive to the convenience store and picked some up along with some vanilla ice cream. I decided Becca and I would have root beer floats after the kids went to bed. So glad I tucked a 12 pack away without anyone noticing beforehand. Jeremy would have totally drank away at my stash if he knew.
Tomorrow will be another long day. There is church (yuck - will this feeling ever disappear?) and all of the kids will have to come along. Usually Chris keeps David & Em because David thinks church is "boring" and has no problem speaking those words loudly so the congregation can hear him and Em, well, she is just a handful and has a hard time sitting still for too long. After church is Family Day up at the Senior Housing Center/park in town. Most everything is free and they have face painting, bounce house/slides, games, etc. all geared for the kids. Thomas will be joining his friend's family for the day after church and I will take Daniel, David & Em with me. Becca has friends she wants to hang with for the day - probably across the street in front of the library, but that's ok. After that, we will head home for a quick supper and then the mad dash to get school stuff done. Lunches, showers, milk money for the week. Maybe tomorrow night I won't wake up and not be able to sleep, but even so, I know once hubby gets home, I'll sleep better.
Off to see if sleep will come...it's almost 4am now. Even the extra 2-3 hours I might get now will make tomorrow easier.... a girl can dream.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
It's been awhile
It's been a long while. I haven't had the energy or mind to blog lately. The summer seemed to sweep by taking me along for the ride. I spend too much time on this darn computer anyway most days.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
Today I feel sad. Not really weepy although it may come to that (note to readers: it came while I typed). I know that AF will be making her appearance soon so I'm sure that has something to do with my melancholy way. Not only do I feel sad, but I feel tired and not the tired that will be cured by taking a nap or getting a better night's rest. My soul is tired.
The last week has been a whirlwind. Dance started in full force right after Labor Day. That along with school open houses and keeping a routine was killer. On Friday morning I woke up, got the kids on the bus, grabbed my coffee and headed to facebook as always and found out that my godfather had passed away. My sister had tried to call the night before, but I wasn't home and her number comes up "unavailable" on the caller id so Jeremy didn't pick it up.
I wasn't close with my godfather although he and his family were always regarded as close friends of our family. My parents were very close with them before I was born and until we moved to Tolland and my parents got divorced. On a couple occasions I remember visiting their home with my Dad, but for all intents & purposes, the relationship was not the same after our move. The last time I saw him was 2.5 years ago when my own father passed away.
I attended the wake with Chris - bless his soul. I was surprised that the whole family remembered me AND remembered that he was my godfather. That was the first thing his wife said to me when I introduced myself (let's face it - it's been about 30 years since I've seen her. I have changed a little bit.) After attending the wake, Chris dropped me off at a high school friend's house where we had a girls' night get together. I drank 5 or 6 cosmos, gossiped and ate yummy food. That was the highest part of my weekend, I think.
On Saturday I watched the (ex)babysitter for my kiddos get married, but felt so uncomfortable around the friends and family gathered there. My heart was not feeling the joy it should have been. I was happy for them, don't get me wrong, but in the very depths of my soul, there just wasn't the joy that should have been there. This feeling carried over to Sunday morning when I had to attend church. I did not want to go. I do not want to go anymore. I don't know why, but it isn't joyful to be there. I just want to run away and not live next door. I miss Peter more than anything. I wonder why I can't close that chapter. It's been a year since he died and we are searching for a new pastor. Nothing feels right.
After church, I came home to bake a nectarine & apple cobbler for the Oktoberfest going on across the street at the neighbors' house. This ended up being the other highlight of my weekend. I mean, who doesn't like to see grown men in lederhosen? Our German neighbors are probably the best thing that's happened since we moved here 4 years ago. I love them and they love us. They had good Bavarian beer, pretzels, sausage, potato salad and a variety of other yummy food.
While I was in the kitchen preparing & baking the cobbler, the phone rang. First Chris' cell and then the house phone. Once we found the house phone and realized that Ed & Trish called, Chris took his cell and called back. I have seen my husband cry only once in the almost 23 years we've been together. This was back in 1989 when he left me in CT to work & live on Cape Cod. We were married months later (moved up our wedding) because we hated to be away from each other. Now I've seen him cry twice. His very dear friend (and Jeremy's godfather) passed away suddenly on Saturday from a massive heart attack. The regret I saw in my husband's face & tears was so evident that my heart hurt. You see, we've both been lax about keeping in touch. Ed was like a 2nd Dad to Chris. He started doing yard work for them when he was 14yo. They have no children, but I know they felt as if Chris was the son they never had. Regret will eat you up if you let it yet I know how Chris is feeling. I know the anguish of losing someone who was part of the glue in your life. This is the first time Chris has lost someone like this. He has lost two grandparents, but somehow while that is an awful feeling, it doesn't hit home the way a parent or parent type figure does. During all this, Thomas' friend came to pick him up for a playdate and the mom shared with me that her mother in law is actively dying. They had seen her that morning and she had shared with them that she was "so scared". How does someone make peace with dying? It's coming for us all.
My heart aches. It aches for Chris. It aches for Jeremy who is mourning the loss of his godfather and his first love. It aches for Thomas' friend's family. It aches for myself. I'm tired of losing and watching other people lose loved ones. I don't want to be the adult although I know time marches on and I have no choice. I want to know the secret of how you make things stop hurting so badly and I don't want my own children to feel this. It is such a helpless situation, I'm afraid. The only thing I can do is go forward. I can't change the things that are unchangeable. I can't keep my family & friends in a bubble. For all the hurt and pain you deal with in life, I have to admit that there is joy & happiness in equal measure. You can't have one without the other. All I need right now is some peace. Peace in knowing that things will be brighter. That I can keep putting one foot in front of another and do what needs to be done. That I can be a good influence on my kids and the people around me because honestly, right now, I'm not feeling good at all. All I feel is empty.
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